I typically do not contribute as a blogger on our site, but this morning I came across a line from a Mitch Albom book, “Finding Chicka”, and it resonated. It reads:

“What we carry defines who we are. And the effort we make is our legacy.”

As loss parents (loss moms) we carry a child so heavy it is unbearable. Yet, we do it invisibly. The outside world doesn’t see our pain, our struggles or the way we battle our internal feelings when we least expect a trigger that surfaces. This morning, I was in a hurry, and saw Olivia’s wreath setting in its spot in our basement waiting to go to her grave site. A piercing pain shot through me as guilt rushed to every nerve in my body. How can I be so late in taking this to her grave site. How did I let life get so busy, I have forgotten to make her holiday special. Instantly my mind went into planning and control mode, and calculating every second of free time I would have after work into this weekend – so that the wreath would find its place. Got it, I have a plan. Did I feel better, nope not one bit. But I have to be at work and I have two toddlers that will need 120% of my attention until bedtime tonight. I’ll find sometime later today to process more of the guilt I thought as I ran out the door. Then a few hours later, I stumble across the quote above. Is it a sign, a coincidence? Who knows. It was enough to help settle my internal war waging against my mounting maternal guilt. I stopped and processed those words…. Again..

“What we carry defines who we are. And the effort we make is our legacy.”
I carry a lot. I carry Olivia daily. I carry being a mom, being a grieving mom at times. I carry being a wife. I carry being a full time working mom in a demanding field with a constant tug of war – work vs. home. I carry Olivia’s legacy. I carry a household.  I carry me.  I then concluded that my effort in all of it is a legacy I’m proud of. A legacy I would think Olivia is proud of, wreath or no wreath yet on her stone. So in the end. When the grief and guilt and life becomes too much. Remember to stop. Stop and think about what all you do carry, and how amazing those things are. We can let grief define us two ways… Choose the positive. May not always be the easy option, but I can promise you at the end the day choosing the positive will define a legacy for you and your angel to be proud of! Hugs and love to all of you this holiday season. For those parents battling through your first loss holiday season, be patient with yourself and be selfish with your emotions. If you need time to yourself, take the time. If you need space, make the space. Let this be about you, your feelings and your needs!

Much Love – Olivia’s Mommy